xiv

margarette,

while writing away my feelings, i am on the seat where you sat the first time i met you. lately, i have been longing for you in the spaces you’ve left behind. your company. your calls. your messages. it has been a struggle to go day by day. it’s dimmed. it’s soundless. it’s almost like i’m dead and alive, feeling both at once. and, i am not expecting for a reply, but i realized how much was left unsaid. i think it’s best to say it all now while i still have the guts than never.

you asked me to think that all of this is also hard for you, but you are a star, always moving, never slowing down. you never realized how much you shattered me. you never heard my breaths quiver. you never saw my bones stutter all while falling beneath my feet to drown in the spaces you’ve left behind. and i’ve begged for you to listen to me wailing for help. but you are a star after all; there is no sound between me, you, and the spaces in between.

this is when i became bitter. but, i realized i was more hurt than bitter. i was hurt because regardless how many times you explain to me why you did what you did, it will never make sense to me. i was hurt because i was just left behind. i was hurt because i was lonely.

i thought i’ve moved on, but i’m in denial because i haven’t. because i still remember your smell. because i still remember how your lips curl when smiling. because i still remember how you couldn’t care less when laughing out loudly. because i still remember how you’re the brightest in my dimmed nights. because when i was with someone, everytime me and her touched, i felt it. but instead of her, i felt you. every place your lips ever touched me. every word you ever said. every flash of a smile, and every glimpse of your eyes. it was like a rush of every moment we spent together, happening in the span of seconds, over far too soon.

when i saw one of our pictures by accident, everything came back. the loving, the caring, the missing, the needing, the wanting. i still had vehement feelings for you. i was stubborn because even though i knew i shouldn’t, i was still waiting and hoping like i told you before. i was still trying to fulfill all the promises i’ve made to the stars. i guess this is when i became bitter toward myself, you, and the people around me. i knew that i should move on, but i still didn’t.

time is both fast and slow. fast enough for me to miss the significant events in my life, and slow enough for me to move on from you. memories taste sweeter after a while. that is the essence of time.

but, your name, your words, your memories, all will disappear like dust in the space.

and, i am done begging. i am done pouring my soul out for you. i am done longing for your smell. and your smile and laughter. i am ready for my healing. i am ready to collect and build myself up from dust. you are a star, but i am now the sun. and, i will always shine brighter.

you probably want to move on, so i hope you are happy with what you have found. but, i promise you that you will search me in another person. and, you will never find me.

have a good day.
this one and the ones after this one.

a post scriptum: i hope this serves as an eternal reminder of how you shattered me.

©2017, Quiyet Brul

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