ADHD: What’s It Like?

I have been wanting to write a blog post about my ADHD, and how I process and learn things in a quite quirky way. But then, I get discombobulated on how to write anything down, especially that I am feeling under the weather. I have the flu, which doesn’t make sense since I got the flu shot a few months ago. Although I know that flu shots aren’t meant to prevent sickness, still you know. My allergies are also kicking in, so my nostrils are quite congested and even worse that it’s paired with a runny nose and puffy and watery eyes, and I can’t even rub my eyes without making my allergies worse. My muscles are also so sore, and you could hear my joints cackle at me for being weak. But, I digress.

When I learned that I have ADHD, everything came to me at once: why everything seemed so fast and why some memories felt like they were skipped as if I were choosing a movie scene in a Blu-Ray      a fast-forward option would have been so much better. I realized why I struggled so much in school despite the pseudo-good grades I earned. It also made sense why I’d forget so many things in a very short amount of time, so when I go somewhere to talk to someone, expect me to have some kind of writing tool, e.g. a pen and paper or a technological device, so that I could take notes and not forget things. And also, so that I could review what was discussed later on. But, if you were to talk to me and I didn’t have anything to take notes with, and you noticed that I am staring at your lips and not at your eyes, I am not being intimate with you but rather I am trying to focus and understand whatever that is you’re saying.

I’d process and understand each word, but there were so many circumstances when I could not apprehend the words into full sentences. This was specifically difficult for me especially in a school setting, let alone a college environment. During my university years, I had professors who read books that were not required in their syllabus so that they could call reading a book in front of their class as part of the day’s lecture. In those cases, I hardly learned anything because I’d have to see the words in front of me so that I could follow the topic. Otherwise, you’re on mute, and I only see you and your lips moving in a very comical way. Sometimes, I’d imagine the words flash in front of me so that I could follow, though this technique hardly helped me at all because, as kind of abovementioned, I’d focus on each word and try to make them into sentences, but then I’d ask myself why those words are flashing and then tell myself that it’s for my own benefit but then also think that it’s not helping but rather making me focus less on the lesson. Multiple thoughts at once, really. You should focus on the topic; why are you not comprehending the words into sentences?; get rid of these thoughts about focusing, and just listen to your professor; it’s not that easy; now, you should sing multiple songs at once; okay, okay, let’s focus now; why are you not focusing? This goes on and on. (My psychiatrist and behavioral therapist even struggled to figure out if I had OCD or ADD/ADHD       or in rare cases, both.)

But despite all this, I don’t consider my ADHD a burden, and that’s why I don’t take any medications for it. I feel like having one focused thoughts at a time is quite boring. Maybe if I were still a college student, but that’s just a maybe because I survived college after all. In fact, I see my ADHD as a blessing and a superior power over others, except that I’d sometimes have very short patience and lose interest in many things. Yes, it’s clearly difficult to focus on one thing at a time, but at least it is never boring in my head because of all the digressing, intersecting, and webbing thoughts, so if you see me smiling, it’s most likely because I had a thought that led to another atop another except, of course, when they’re the depressing and anxious thoughts and the forever ringing in my ears due to my tinnitus but those are for another story. As a writer of many sorts, I am grateful that I could write about so many things in many different forms and styles and almost every time everything would still make sense and flow with each other.

Disclaimer: forgive me if this blog post does not flow quite well, but my nose flows      that’s for sure. I’d also like to further elaborate on this topic, but I am super sick, and I just want to cry my eyeballs out, get dehydrated, and then die from it, so I’ll leave this blog post as is.
Ps. I didn’t even try revising/editing this post.

*apparently, i was misdiagnosed with adhd/add

©2018, Quiyet Brul
Photo Courtesy of The Daily Nexus

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